Censor
by Om0cha
Summary: Writing a kinky movie script with Naruto as the kink is indisputably easier when Sasuke isn't there. Crack based off the Naruto Shippuden: Blood Prison movie. SasuNaru.


**Censor**

_By Om0cha_

"We have a problem with your script."

"Which part of the script are you referring to, sir? I'll fix it right away."

Sigh.

"Allow me to elaborate. We have a _number _of problems. A number of big, _unfixable_ problems."

Thumb twiddle.

"Sir, if I could so respectfully ask, what is wrong with my script for _Blood Prison_?"

"Where to begin? Firstly, this…_character_ that you've created. You say it's a transvestite?"

"You mean Ryuuzetsu?"

"Yes, that one."

"I actually wanted Ryuuzetsu to be a male."

"You realise that you have this character doing mouth to mouth with Naruto at the end?"

"Yes."

"We are making Ryuuzetsu a girl."

"What! But –"

"Next problem."

"Sir-!"

"_Next problem_."

Grumble.

"Fine, I'll change it."

"Good. Now, why, for the love of all things that aren't crackling in an electrocuted heap, do you have a _fingering_ scene in this movie? More specifically, why do we have a fingering scene with_ Naruto_ being the fingeree?"

"But sir, it's not explicit!"

"You have three prison guards holding Naruto down after his pants –"

"—and underwear."

"-and underwear get taken off, thank you. Before which, the guard states that he wants to 'check Naruto's body for weapons.' That sounds pretty darn clear to me?"

"It's perfectly child safe and suitable for our audience. And it works!"

"No, it does not work."

"Why not?"

"Because it isn't _Sasuke_-safe! And what makes you think that Naruto will agree to this either?"

Snort.

"Naruto doesn't even know what fingering is. All we have to do is tell him that prisons really do do this stuff and he'll agree. He's so passionate about acting, that boy."

"That is beyond the point. We don't advocate such intrusive scenes here at Piero."

"You're just scared of Sasuke. Admit it."

Splutter.

"Now, look here. There are numerous problems with this script, the least worrying being Sasuke – speaking of which, he's only mentioned here once, too."

"Exactly why we don't need to worry about him being there for the more... interesting scenes."

Thoughtful look.

Headshake.

"No! I cannot allow this! No matter how many bondage scenes there are!"

"What! Is there something wrong with the bondage scenes, now? Sir, you cannot be serious? Which one? At least don't take out the one with Naruto strapped to the table!"

"Woman –"

"- Please, you can take out the scenes with the wood bondage and seal – wait, we need the seal bondage. No, just leave in the table bondage and seal bondage!"

"You left out the tentacle bondage."

Mutters under breath.

"What was that?"

"I was hoping you wouldn't realise that I slipped that in."

Blink.

"…You're right. No one will notice. We can leave the tentacle bondage in. Besides, Naruto's quite familiar with Bee's tentacles as it is. It'll be fine."

"You sound like you're trying to convince yourself, sir."

"_You_ try dodging a chidori every other week."

"I would, but I'm afraid I'm leaving the country after this film."

"Wise move, my dear scriptwriter. Wise move."

"Is there anything else, sir?"

"There are numerous other things. I notice that Naruto spends a great deal of time in this film thinking about other people. Other people that aren't Sasuke."

"You think Kishimoto sensei will disapprove?"

"Perhaps. But you only have him think of Sasuke once. Which really doesn't do their – cough—strong, platonic bond justice."

"Is Naruto still prancing around calling it platonic?"

"He is. It doesn't help that Sasuke tells him that hickeys are perfectly platonic. Conniving little bastard. Which reminds me, cut down on the shirtless scenes in the beginning of the film. Naruto needs time to recover from those."

"Permission to move shirtless scenes to the end of the film?"

"Permission granted."

"Thank you, sir."

"The other shirtless guys can stay at the beginning. I want Naruto focusing during the climax."

"Naruto gets distracted by shirtless guys, does he?"

"He doesn't realise it yet. Poor thing."

"You'd think he'd realise after he had to shoot the reunion scene 50 times. He kept looking at Sasuke's chest instead of his face. Who made that scandalous outfit anyway?"

"It was supplied by Orochimaru. From his old stock back when he acted in _Memoirs of a Geisha_."

"Forget I asked. I actually liked that film."

"So did I. Why do you think I employed Orochimaru? Biggest mistake of my career, mind you."

"I feel for you, sir."

Dismayed shake of head.

"Back to the issue at hand. Sasuke is only in Naruto's thoughts once in this film. While other people are in his thoughts, pants, ass – what's this, his stomach, too?"

"Kyuubi?"

"No, you imbecile. A claw."

"Oh, a claw does go through his stomach, yes."

"Does it touch his chest?"

"No, why?"

"That scar on the right side of Naruto's chest is a no go zone."

"You have nothing to fear. The claw will not touch the chidori ownership tattoo."

Uncomfortable wriggle.

"To be honest, I'd prefer we avoid leaving any scars at all."

"Sir, you can't have an authentic fight scene without some blood."

"Well, when you put it that way…I suppose it can't be avoided. Naruto loves those kinds of scenes, too. It's why the masochistic kids get the lead roles these days."

"Indeed. I don't know anyone else that could put up with Sasuke."

"True, that. Sasuke will be furious as it is. _Especially _when he realises that he misses out on a wet Naruto scene. He always had a thing for wet Naruto. Why do you think we changed the entire Valley of the End setting to a river in the anime?"

"He has good taste."

"Unfortunately undeniable."

Deep breath.

"Sir…I was thinking of a way that we could avoid the Sasuke problem."

"What's that?"

"Let's not have him in the movie. At all."

Gasp.

"Not even a mention?"

"Not a breath."

"That's preposterous!"

"Think about it! We could have him filming the fight against Kabuto with Itachi over near the Land of the Samurai while we film _Blood Prison _off the Water Country shore. He won't hear or see a thing! And by the time the premiere is out, we can be safe and sound on a holiday over in Kumo!"

"That…might actually work. Knowing Sasuke, he would most likely seek out those guards before he seeks out us."

Nod, nod.

"And the yaoi fangirls _will _love this…"

Furious nodding.

"Alright. We are cutting Sasuke from the movie. Completely."

"_Yes!"_

"Make sure you find an ugly guy to play that guard. We don't want to lose any rising talent."

"Will do, sir. Will do."

Thoughtful thinking.

"Say, my dear scriptwriter…"

"Yes, sir?"

"What do you say to inserting a few torture scenes in this film? I hear that the BDSM market is flourishing these days."

Leer.

"Does an unconscious, kidnapped Naruto and creepy lab equipment sound good to you?"

"Throw in a gang of scary, masked men and it'll be _perfect_."

"Consider it done, sir. Consider it done."

_END_.

* * *

I've never written crack before. This came on a whim after watching Blood Prison. I think I'll go and hide back in my angst corner now. Leave a review with your thoughts?

P.S: Most of the kinks are real. I must be one perverted soul to see all of those while watching the film.


End file.
